If you've never read this, you totally should. It's so true, it hurts. The woman finds her husband to be distant and acting strange, and takes every late response or quiet moment as something wrong. She blames herself for his distracted behavior.
I don't know about you, but I've been this woman before. In the beginning of my relationship to my husband, Joey, there were often times when he'd be distant and distracted. I always thought it was something that I did wrong. It was hard, at first, for me to accept that "babe it's not you, I promise" was really true. I always blamed myself. Maybe it was just me being self-conscious, but whatever it was, I was putting a lot of blame on my own shoulders. Because of that, I would get upset. And because I was upset, he'd be upset that I was upset and he didn't understand why. It was a never-ending loop of crap.
One day I found this hilarious meme, a diary entry of a husband and wife on the same day. I laughed at the simplicity of his entry. She spent the whole day feeling like she lost her husband, that he wanted nothing to do with her and was falling out of love with her - only in reality, his thoughts were just on his damn motorcycle because he couldn't figure out why it wouldn't start.
I shared it with my husband and we had a good laugh.
Then one day came the distracted behavior and along with it, my tendency to blame myself for his mood. I asked him, "what's wrong, what did I do?" and he said, very sweetly, "nothing, baby. My motorcycle is broken."
Ha! FINALLY there was a very simple way he could explain that something was just on his mind and it wasn't my fault. And yes, I realize that he could just say "Something else is on my mind, blah blah" but when he referenced the motorcycle, it also reminded me how silly it was to blame myself for his distracted mood. That helped. That helped a LOT.
Now, anytime he is having a hard day, or if he seems distant, I ask him, "is your motorcycle broken?" and he'll usually say yes, and explain in full detail everything that's on his mind. He shares the list of things he's been internalizing, whether its work, bills, or anything else, because he knows that I'll listen and that I'll understand.
I can't fix the motorcycle for him, but I can understand and respect when his mind is somewhere else, or trying to focus on things he needs to get done. If there's too many tasks on his plates, or he's stressed out, he's not able to easily relax and feel free. He eventually solves the problems and completes the tasks, and then I have his undivided attention, and boy does that feel good. Especially because when he's focused on me, he showers me with love and praise, so much, that my love jar just fills and overflows.
It's helpful when he can share his thoughts - and even more helpful when I don't immediately jump to conclusions and blame myself for things that aren't my fault. I can happily and confidently give him my ear, or just give him the space, to fix the damn motorcycle.
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