I'm about 34 weeks this week, so only about a month (maybe a bit more) left to go before princess Allison makes her debut.
I'm attempting to do a VBAC after having two prior cesarean sections. I've never given birth vaginally before, but I feel like I've read every book that was ever written on what to expect. I did go through early and a bit of active labor with my youngest, in an attempted VBAC. I know what those later contractions feel like, though not the ones close to transition. I'm not nervous about the pain at all. I've watched and read every birth story I could get my hands on. I feel like I've researched and prepared how to sky-dive, and watched endless skydiving videos, but once you're up there in the plane about to jump, you can't help but feel nervous, anxious, and afraid.
I'm not actually afraid of the pain. I've experienced pain outside of childbirth, on many occasions, and I'm fine with it. I'm not afraid of a rupture. The chances are less than 1% and even then, the chances of fetal / maternal death are just as low if a rupture occurs, especially if I'm already in the hospital.
So here are a few of my VBAC fears, and how I'm dealing with them.
1. I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to turn down interventions.
My doctor is 100% insistent on constant fetal monitoring, even though there's no proof that it results in better outcomes. This is her reasoning: She says that a uterine rupture occurs often before anyone recognizes it. She said the first sign of a rupture is an abnormal fetal heart rate, which she can see on the monitor. It doesn't help her, she says, to know that a rupture began 20 minutes ago. She needs to know now.
Here's how I feel about that. First and foremost, I'm not a doctor. I'm not. She's delivered way more VBAC babies than I have, but I'm still concerned. I was in the hospital just recently with a case of pericarditis, and they made me sit with the fetal monitors because I was tachycardic and my oxygen saturation was low. They wanted to make sure my princess wasn't being affected, and I was grateful that she wasn't. Here's the thing, though. If I shifted position, sat up, stood up, or wiggled into a better, more comfy position, the monitors would completely lose her. I had to go back to the EXACT position I was in for it to find and read her again. I don't know if you, reading this, have ever been in labor, but if you're trying for a 100% natural labor like I am, sitting 100% still during late stage contractions is incredibly painful, and it can stall or even stop labor because you're not moving around. If I'm not moving around and labor stalls, I'm worried they'll try other interventions that will start the cascade that robbed me of my success with my second birth.
My fear is that I won't be strong-willed enough to take the monitors off, and insist that "If these can't read her heartbeat while I'm moving, you'll just have to wait until this contraction is over to get a reading." What if they try to scare me? What if they tell me just to get an epidural and sit still? Will I be too tired, or in too anxious of a state to refuse?
This is where I'll really have to rely on my husband. He knows what I want. I have to trust that he'll be on my side, and he'll tell me that I need to rely on my instincts and do what I feel is right. Hopefully he'll remind me that it's okay to check her heart rate in between contractions, and that it's best for me to get up and move. Hopefully the nursing staff will just be okay with it, or give in after a few pushy tries to keep me on them. I don't know how this will go, but it does make me feel anxious.
2. I'm afraid they'll do a cesarean and put me to sleep.
I was told that if I don't get an epidural and they have to do an emergency cesarean section, i'll be put under general anesthesia. I'll miss the whole thing. This terrifies me more than anything. What if they decide it's an emergency, but it isn't, and the cesarean was unnecessary? They are already on high alert because I previously had a 10lb baby, and for some stupid reason they think that matters. She might get stuck, or stall in the birth canal, and I'm afraid they won't give me the time or the chance to change position or try different methods before knocking me out and taking me away. This fear seems kind of irrational. I'm sure they'll talk to me before just strapping a gas mask on my face, but I still feel this anxiety.
I'm not going to get an epidural just to calm the fear. I want to be able to feel everything and keep moving. I want to walk and rock and move and change positions, I want to be able to feel as I'm pushing so I can trust my own body instead of relying on the coaching efforts of nurses and doctors. No epidural for me.
3. I'm afraid I won't trust my own body.
This is the last fear I have about doing the VBAC but it's my biggest one. The only reason people fear VBAC is because we've been told to fear it.
Uterine ruptures happen in first time moms with no history of cesarean section.
VBAC is safe, much safer than a 3rd cesarean.
The chances of rupture are ridiculously low.
So why am I, and so many others, so afraid? We're told the horror stories. They're all over the internet. Our doctors are so overly cautious that we feel like we're attempting to diffuse a bomb, instead of birthing a baby.
They all act like the rupture rate is 50% or higher, to be honest. I'm sure it's a liability thing. But when they don't have confidence in our bodies, it's hard for us to find the confidence is ourselves.
What I really want is for my doctor to say "ruptures are really rare, and even if it happens, everything usually turns out fine. Let's plan for a win, here."
Instead of "we're going to constantly monitor you, and be really careful, and have the OR on standby, and have three surgeons just waiting in the hallway with scalpels, and we'll have 20 blood bags next to you, and a priest, and make sure your will is prepared."
No, my doctor didn't say that, but sometimes that's how it feels.
I'm going to get through it, but not without tons of support from my husband. He's my rock in this. He'll help me turn down interventions, he'll be my voice when I'm too tired, or too focused to listen to the nurses and doctors, and he'll remind me to trust my body.
I can do this. I know I can! But I may forget when the time comes, and I'll need those reminders. While the doctors are busy covering their bases to prevent being sued, he'll be busy reminding me that it'll all be okay.
And I'm ready to blog about my experience afterwards, so that other mama's who are just as anxious as me see what I was afraid of, and how it went in the end.
I'm attempting to do a VBAC after having two prior cesarean sections. I've never given birth vaginally before, but I feel like I've read every book that was ever written on what to expect. I did go through early and a bit of active labor with my youngest, in an attempted VBAC. I know what those later contractions feel like, though not the ones close to transition. I'm not nervous about the pain at all. I've watched and read every birth story I could get my hands on. I feel like I've researched and prepared how to sky-dive, and watched endless skydiving videos, but once you're up there in the plane about to jump, you can't help but feel nervous, anxious, and afraid.
I'm not actually afraid of the pain. I've experienced pain outside of childbirth, on many occasions, and I'm fine with it. I'm not afraid of a rupture. The chances are less than 1% and even then, the chances of fetal / maternal death are just as low if a rupture occurs, especially if I'm already in the hospital.
So here are a few of my VBAC fears, and how I'm dealing with them.
1. I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to turn down interventions.
My doctor is 100% insistent on constant fetal monitoring, even though there's no proof that it results in better outcomes. This is her reasoning: She says that a uterine rupture occurs often before anyone recognizes it. She said the first sign of a rupture is an abnormal fetal heart rate, which she can see on the monitor. It doesn't help her, she says, to know that a rupture began 20 minutes ago. She needs to know now.
Here's how I feel about that. First and foremost, I'm not a doctor. I'm not. She's delivered way more VBAC babies than I have, but I'm still concerned. I was in the hospital just recently with a case of pericarditis, and they made me sit with the fetal monitors because I was tachycardic and my oxygen saturation was low. They wanted to make sure my princess wasn't being affected, and I was grateful that she wasn't. Here's the thing, though. If I shifted position, sat up, stood up, or wiggled into a better, more comfy position, the monitors would completely lose her. I had to go back to the EXACT position I was in for it to find and read her again. I don't know if you, reading this, have ever been in labor, but if you're trying for a 100% natural labor like I am, sitting 100% still during late stage contractions is incredibly painful, and it can stall or even stop labor because you're not moving around. If I'm not moving around and labor stalls, I'm worried they'll try other interventions that will start the cascade that robbed me of my success with my second birth.
My fear is that I won't be strong-willed enough to take the monitors off, and insist that "If these can't read her heartbeat while I'm moving, you'll just have to wait until this contraction is over to get a reading." What if they try to scare me? What if they tell me just to get an epidural and sit still? Will I be too tired, or in too anxious of a state to refuse?
This is where I'll really have to rely on my husband. He knows what I want. I have to trust that he'll be on my side, and he'll tell me that I need to rely on my instincts and do what I feel is right. Hopefully he'll remind me that it's okay to check her heart rate in between contractions, and that it's best for me to get up and move. Hopefully the nursing staff will just be okay with it, or give in after a few pushy tries to keep me on them. I don't know how this will go, but it does make me feel anxious.
2. I'm afraid they'll do a cesarean and put me to sleep.
I was told that if I don't get an epidural and they have to do an emergency cesarean section, i'll be put under general anesthesia. I'll miss the whole thing. This terrifies me more than anything. What if they decide it's an emergency, but it isn't, and the cesarean was unnecessary? They are already on high alert because I previously had a 10lb baby, and for some stupid reason they think that matters. She might get stuck, or stall in the birth canal, and I'm afraid they won't give me the time or the chance to change position or try different methods before knocking me out and taking me away. This fear seems kind of irrational. I'm sure they'll talk to me before just strapping a gas mask on my face, but I still feel this anxiety.
I'm not going to get an epidural just to calm the fear. I want to be able to feel everything and keep moving. I want to walk and rock and move and change positions, I want to be able to feel as I'm pushing so I can trust my own body instead of relying on the coaching efforts of nurses and doctors. No epidural for me.
3. I'm afraid I won't trust my own body.
This is the last fear I have about doing the VBAC but it's my biggest one. The only reason people fear VBAC is because we've been told to fear it.
Uterine ruptures happen in first time moms with no history of cesarean section.
VBAC is safe, much safer than a 3rd cesarean.
The chances of rupture are ridiculously low.
So why am I, and so many others, so afraid? We're told the horror stories. They're all over the internet. Our doctors are so overly cautious that we feel like we're attempting to diffuse a bomb, instead of birthing a baby.
They all act like the rupture rate is 50% or higher, to be honest. I'm sure it's a liability thing. But when they don't have confidence in our bodies, it's hard for us to find the confidence is ourselves.
What I really want is for my doctor to say "ruptures are really rare, and even if it happens, everything usually turns out fine. Let's plan for a win, here."
Instead of "we're going to constantly monitor you, and be really careful, and have the OR on standby, and have three surgeons just waiting in the hallway with scalpels, and we'll have 20 blood bags next to you, and a priest, and make sure your will is prepared."
No, my doctor didn't say that, but sometimes that's how it feels.
I'm going to get through it, but not without tons of support from my husband. He's my rock in this. He'll help me turn down interventions, he'll be my voice when I'm too tired, or too focused to listen to the nurses and doctors, and he'll remind me to trust my body.
I can do this. I know I can! But I may forget when the time comes, and I'll need those reminders. While the doctors are busy covering their bases to prevent being sued, he'll be busy reminding me that it'll all be okay.
And I'm ready to blog about my experience afterwards, so that other mama's who are just as anxious as me see what I was afraid of, and how it went in the end.
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